1. Brushing your teeth helps reduce cravings. No it doesn’t. I have had many a mint-flavored chocolate chip cookie.
2. Water makes you feel full. LIES. Everyone should drink more water (currently drinking Dr. Pepper), but it does not make you feel full.
3. Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. A lot of things taste as good as skinny feels. Donuts. Pie. French fries. Pizza. Cheeseburgers.
4. Exercise is fun as long as you find the right one. Unless by exercise, you mean seeing how many leg lifts you can do while holding a
bottle glass of wine, that’s a lie.
5. Telling others keeps you accountable. All telling others does is make them judge you for everything you put in your mouth, no pun intended. Do you really want to enjoy your one tiny piece of chocolate for the week while hiding in the work bathroom because you don’t want to hear 10 people ask “Are you sure you want to eat that?!”
6. Get a workout partner. I want to be able to pant heavily and walk with my mouth wide open because I’m so tired breathing through my nose is no longer an option. So, pass.
7. Cauliflower tastes like mashed potatoes. STOP. I will admit, mashed cauliflower with a shitload of butter is delicious. But let me tell you a secret: IT DOES NOT TASTE LIKE MASHED POTATOES. It tastes like mashed cauliflower with butter.
8. Moment on the lips, forever on the hips. If this is true, my hips are nothing but french fries and energy drinks.
Tips From a Real Human Who Has Lost Weight
I have all the secrets to losing weight. The normal, healthy way. Are you ready for it?
Eat less. Eat better. Drink water. Exercise more. Take your vitamins. Keep drinking water. Stop posting about your “diet” on Facebook. Don’t Instagram everything you eat. Drink more water.
That’s it. Lesson over.