8 Lies People Tell You About Losing Weight


1. Brushing your teeth helps reduce cravings. No it doesn’t. I have had many a mint-flavored chocolate chip cookie.

2. Water makes you feel full. LIES. Everyone should drink more water (currently drinking Dr. Pepper), but it does not make you feel full.

3. Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. A lot of things taste as good as skinny feels. Donuts. Pie. French fries. Pizza. Cheeseburgers.


4. Exercise is fun as long as you find the right one. Unless by exercise, you mean seeing how many leg lifts you can do while holding a bottle glass of wine, that’s a lie.

5. Telling others keeps you accountable. All telling others does is make them judge you for everything you put in your mouth, no pun intended. Do you really want to enjoy your one tiny piece of chocolate for the week while hiding in the work bathroom because you don’t want to hear 10 people ask “Are you sure you want to eat that?!”

6. Get a workout partner. I want to be able to pant heavily and walk with my mouth wide open because I’m so tired breathing through my nose is no longer an option. So, pass.

7. Cauliflower tastes like mashed potatoes. STOP. I will admit, mashed cauliflower with a shitload of butter is delicious. But let me tell you a secret: IT DOES NOT TASTE LIKE MASHED POTATOES. It tastes like mashed cauliflower with butter.

8. Moment on the lips, forever on the hips. If this is true, my hips are nothing but french fries and energy drinks.

Tips From a Real Human Who Has Lost Weight

I have all the secrets to losing weight. The normal, healthy way. Are you ready for it?

Eat less. Eat better. Drink water. Exercise more. Take your vitamins. Keep drinking water. Stop posting about your “diet” on Facebook. Don’t Instagram everything you eat. Drink more water.

That’s it. Lesson over.


How to Cut a Papaya

This is the {last} post being moved over from my old blog. 


This past weekend I stopped by the local health food store to pick up some fresh fruit for our daily fruit smoothies, which happen to be the only way I can remember to give us anything even remotely healthy. After grabbing the usual – strawberries, mango, bananas, I decided to give papaya a go. Mostly because the fruit is pretty and it’s fun to say. I hesitated for a split second, realizing I had no idea how to cut a papaya, but my mom convinced me it should be easy to enough to figure it out. So if you’re like me and have no idea how to cut a papaya but want to be able to tell people you expertly made a papaya smoothie (or ate it raw), you have come to the right place!

Choose Your Papaya – Make sure you pick the prettiest one of the bunch and hold it up to your nose and sniff it so people around you think you know what you’re doing. I choose my fruit the way I choose wine – look at it quizzically and pretend I’m an expert. In actuality, the wine I choose is the bottle with the cutest label.


Google It – Type in “how to cut a papaya,” choose the first result, study the pictures and skim through the directions for about 30 seconds until you’re 100% confident you have it mastered.

Cut Into It – Choose any knife that is clean, or at least semi-clean, preferably a small knife with a flimsy blade. This makes it fun and challenging. Cut your papaya in half lengthwise and admire how pretty it is.


Scoop It Out – Taste one of the seeds because they look like little berries, realize they taste like bitter pepper, gag, spit it out, and scoop the rest of the seeds out in disgust.

Start Cutting – Cut each piece of papaya in half again so it’s easier to work with, but be sure to cut it off-center so you make it as difficult as possible. Realize one piece is much larger than the other, and cut it in half again.


Finish Cutting – Hold up a piece of fruit and start hacking away at it until what you think is papaya falls onto the plate. Cut those pieces into awkward shapes that are slightly reminiscent of cubes and put them into a bowl or container.


Cut the Last Piece Flawlessly – Yell obscenities at the stupid papaya and try to remember why you thought this was a good idea.


Admire Your Work – Make sure you have much less fruit than what you thought, otherwise you didn’t do it right. Cutting your papaya is all about being lazy and doing with whatever fruit you got the first time around.


Taste the Deliciousness – Take a bite and remember you don’t like papaya. Throw it out.