The Anxiety Diaries: It’s My Panic Attack and I’ll Cry if I Want to



I haven’t actually had a panic attack in a few weeks, not a full blown one anyway. Then the other day I had chest pain and lung pain (no clue the reason, it’s gone now) and immediately I started panicking. This is one of the main sources of panic attacks and general anxiety occurring at home.

To be honest, the majority of my anxiety happens when I’m out in the world. I am usually okay when at home. But my biggest fears are my heart stopping, choking, or not being able to breathe, so any type of chest pain freaks me out. It also commonly leads to heart palpitations, which we all know is just a big mess for me.

It escalated exactly how I expected it to. I kept trying to suck in deeper breaths, only to realize I couldn’t, which then made me feel like my throat was closing and my air was being cut off. Then my throat got dry, which in turn caused it to be harder to breathe. Then the inevitable coughing fits, therefore worsening my chest pain.

Have we talked about stupid panic and anxiety is? It is basically a series of events of you virtually causing the attack in the first place.

Midway through the panic attack that lasted about 45 minutes, I started crying. I always know it’s going to happen, but this was the first time I realized I cry almost every time I have a bad one. I think it has something to do with being afraid and frustrated.

My anxiety frustrates me more than anything. In the midst of one, I am fearful for my life, but I am mostly just irritated at it happening. I know I have to wait it out, I know it will be hell until it’s over, I know afterward I will feel fine and like a crazy person. So I cry. Because I just want this part to be over. I want to never have one again. I want to be normal and be able to have chest pains or walk across the street or over a bridge without feeling like I am a 33-year old about to have a heart attack or a stroke.

Hopefully I’m not the only one this happens to. I can’t seem to control it either. It just happens. It is one of those cries where you feel like you are either going to cry or throw up, if that makes any sort of sense.

If I haven’t said it enough times, anxiety is super fun!



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